Does Your Child Avoid or Confront? How to Help Your Children Learn to Overcome Their Fears and Weaknesses by Systematically Adapting to Discomfort

by David Krasky, Psy.S., Licensed School Psychologist and author of Raising Future Adults

Confronting Anxious Situation

Parents naturally want to protect their children from distress. When a child is anxious, overwhelmed, or resistant, the instinct is often to reduce the discomfort—allow avoidance, step in, or remove the demand altogether. I've personally seen this for over 20 years and if anything, the pendulum has swung too far toward "saving" rather then letting them cope with discomfort.

In the short term, that works.

In the long term, it quietly teaches something far more powerful: “I can’t handle this.”

The alternative is not forcing children into distress or dismissing their emotions. It is something far more thoughtful and effective: systematically helping them adapt to discomfort in manageable, supported steps. This is how resilience, confidence, and competence are built. Below you'll read how to slowly guide your child toward discomfort thus learning how to be more independent problem solvers and communicators.

The Core Principle: Growth Requires Contact with Discomfort

Overcoming discomfort

Children do not outgrow fears simply with time or reassurance. They outgrow them through experience—specifically, repeated experiences of facing something difficult and discovering:

• The discomfort is temporary

• They are capable of tolerating it

• The outcome is not as bad as expected

• They can recover and even succeed

Avoidance prevents this learning. Exposure creates it.

Reframing the Goal: From Comfort to Capability

Instead of asking:

• “How do I make my child feel better right now?”

Shift to:

• “How do I help my child become more capable over time?”

This subtle shift changes everything. It moves parenting from relief-focused to growth-focused.

Step One: Frontload the Truth About Discomfort

Before any exposure begins, children need a clear, honest framework.

You might say:

• “This is going to feel uncomfortable at first.”

• “Your brain is trying to protect you, but it’s overestimating the danger.”

• “The feeling will rise, but it will also fall.”

• “The only way your brain learns you’re safe is by going through it.”

This is critical. When discomfort is expected, it becomes tolerable rather than alarming.

Step Two: Break the Challenge into Gradual Steps (Systematic Exposure)

Children do best when fears are approached incrementally, not all at once.

Think of it as building a ladder:

For Social Anxiety:

1. Make eye contact and smile

2. Say “hi” to a peer (this can be a head nod or more age-appropriate term like, "sup?")

3. Ask a simple question (also, age appropriate and related to situation - video game, sporting event, social media, etc.)

4. Join a short group interaction

5. Participate in a longer conversation

For Academic Avoidance:

1. Sit with the assignment for 5 minutes

2. Complete one problem

3. Work for 10 minutes with support

4. Attempt a full assignment with breaks

5. Work independently for longer periods

For Specific Fears (e.g., sleeping alone, public speaking, performance):

1. Exposure in imagination or discussion (just talking about it can get them used to idea)

2. Partial exposure (e.g., parent nearby)

3. Short-duration exposure (use stopwatch if you need to)

4. Increased duration or independence

5. Full participation

Each step should feel:

• Manageable but uncomfortable

• Not overwhelming

• Achievable with effort

Step Three: Stay Present Without Rescuing

One of the hardest parenting skills is supporting without removing the challenge.

Effective support sounds like:

• “I know this is hard. I’m right here.”

• “Let’s take it one step at a time.”

• “You don’t have to feel ready—you just have to try.”

Ineffective support sounds like:

• “You don’t have to do it.”

• “Let’s skip it for today.”

• “It’s okay, I’ll do it for you.”

The difference is subtle but powerful:

➡️ One builds tolerance

➡️ The other reinforces avoidance

Step Four: Focus on Effort, Not Outcome

Confidence is not built by success alone. It is built by surviving difficulty.

After an exposure, reinforce:

• “You stayed with it even though it was hard.”

• “You didn’t give up.”

• “You handled that better than you expected.”

Avoid focusing only on results like:

• Grades

• Social performance

• Perfection

Instead, reinforce courage and persistence.

Step Five: Normalize Setbacks

Children will sometimes refuse, regress, or shut down. This is NOT failure—it is part of the process.

When this happens:

• Reduce the step size

• Rebuild momentum

• Avoid criticism or disappointment

Say:

• “That was a big step. Let’s make it smaller and try again.”

• “Progress isn’t always straight.”

Addressing Specific Profiles

Socially anxious child

1. The Socially Anxious Child or Teen

These children often:

• Overestimate negative judgment

• Avoid social initiation

• Replay interactions afterward

Focus on:

• Practicing small, predictable interactions (with familiar peers in familiar places)

• Teaching scripts (“Hi, how was your weekend?”)

• Gradual exposure to unstructured social situations

Key message:

“You don’t need to be perfect—you just need to participate.”

2. The Academically Avoidant Child

These children may:

• Shut down when tasks feel too hard

• Fear failure or embarrassment

• Avoid starting altogether

Focus on:

• Task breakdown ("Let's just do the first two")

• Time-limited work periods (Use of timer, stopwatch)

• Building tolerance for frustration

Key message:

“Starting is the hardest part. Once you begin, it gets easier.”

3. Children with Specific Fears

These may include:

• Fear of sleeping alone

• Fear of failure or performance

• Fear of new situations

Focus on:

• Repeated, predictable exposure

• Avoiding sudden or forced immersion (e.g., staying in bed for 5 minutes alone and building from there)

• Tracking progress visibly

Key message:

“Each time you do this, your brain gets stronger.”

The Emotional Payoff: What Children Gain

Confidence

When children are guided through discomfort rather than protected from it, they develop:

1. Self-Efficacy

“I can handle hard things.”

2. Emotional Regulation

“I can feel nervous and still function.”

3. Confidence

Not based on success—but on capability

4. Resilience

The ability to recover, adapt, and persist

A Final Thought for Parents

Confident child

Helping your child confront discomfort can feel counterintuitive—even uncomfortable for you. Watching them struggle is difficult. But the goal is not to eliminate struggle.

It is to ensure your child learns:

• Struggle is survivable

• Effort leads to growth

• Avoidance is not the solution

In time, what was once overwhelming becomes manageable—and what was once avoided becomes a source of pride. If you consistently guide your child to face, rather than flee, their fears in small, supported steps, you are giving them something far more valuable than comfort:

You are giving them the belief that they can handle life.

David Krasky, Psy.S. is a licensed school psychologist and author of Raising Future Adults