What Parenting Style is Best For Your Child and Why: Adjusting Your Behavior and Expectations to Fit Your Child’s Needs

While an authoritative parenting style has long been deemed to be the most effective style by focusing on warmth, consistency and clear communication, parenting is more complicated than using a one-size-fits all approach. Social media, increased academic demands and overscheduling has complicated it even more for parents who are simultaneously trying to earn enough money to provide for their children’s needs and sometimes wants. Because of these factors, parenting may be more important now than any other time in history. Think about it. In the past, many children had the freedom to learn from their environment by going outside to play, walking or biking to school, staying out until dark and spending all weekend with friends or making up games. These experiences gave them opportunities to learn, build self-esteem and independence, develop social skills and feel adept to take on the upcoming challenges of adult life. Children are spending more time with parents at home either doing homework, gaming or escaping from their daily stressors. Because of this, what type of style you use will have a great effect on their behavioral and emotional development.

There are generally four types of parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved. These styles are based on how strict or consistent a parent sets and follows rules, expectations and communication. For the purpose of this article, strict and disciplined will be synonymous with consistent and structured. Simply put, if you say it, you do it and if there is a routine, you mostly stick to it. You want dessert, you finish your dinner. Want to go outside and play? Finish your homework first. 

Here are some specific phrases, rules to follow and ways to be both consistent yet flexible when necessary:

1. Authoritative Parenting (works well with most children)

This type of parenting style focuses on being both warm yet firm with emphasis on natural consequences, forced choices and reinforcing problem solving and effort. Specific examples of how to use authoritative parenting communication and follow through looks like the following:

Child avoids homework — Parent says, “It looks like you’re having a tough time getting started, do you want to try working on a different assignment or maybe working in a different spot in the house?” — child becomes mildly argumentative —-Parent says, “Remember, if you want to get on your game, you’ll have to finish your homework first but you can complete your homework however you think works best for you.” —- child finally gets started while laying on floor — Parent says, “That’s really awesome that you found a way that works best for you. I’m really proud of you for figuring it out.”

2. Authoritarian Parenting (more strict/controlling)

This type of parenting style is more effective with children who exhibit more frequent oppositional behavior and consists of limited negotiation/compromise with more emphasis on clear routines and strict boundaries and looks like the following:

Child avoids homework — Parent says, “Do you need help getting started with homework?” — Child becomes oppositional or dishonest — Parent says, “If you choose to do your work, you will get your game time. If you choose not to, you’re choosing not have gaming tonight.” — child becomes more oppositional or argumentative — Parent says, “I’m not going to argue so you have your choices to make” and leaves or takes space away from child to avoid escalation. If child continues to refuse, they do not get to game and will deal with consequences of not doing work with teachers at school. This often leads to either lower grades, having to make up more work the next night or not being able to earn a privilege. If the child does choose to do their work, provide whatever predetermined reward along with verbal praise for them choosing to do something that is difficult for them. 

3. Permissive Parenting (lenient and indulgent)

This type of parenting style can be effective with very anxious or easygoing children and emphasizes gentle guidance and connection over control. When your child is very upset (anxious, overwhelmed, etc.), you’ll use statements like:

“I trust you to make good choices but I’m here if you need anything.”

“It’s totally normal to feel stressed and I’m here if you want me to listen.”

“What do you think we should do first? Take a break or try to solve the problem?”

These children still need clear boundaries and expectations as too much indulgence can lead to entitlement. You may also want to “rescue” this type of child by solving their problems or removing stressors but think of any obstacles as great learning experiences for life and an opportunity to build coping skills.

4. Uninvolved Parenting (not recommended)

   
   

This is the type of style that is used once children are fully independent and about to go off on their own with a few caveats. You still want your child to know that while you trust that they can take care of themselves, you remain interested in their lives without crossing their boundaries. If you feel that you are exhibiting signs of an uninvolved parent, it is possible you may be overwhelmed and need to slowly become more connected with your child(ren). Start small with one question a day about their lives or being in the same room as them, even if you are doing different things. 

Remember, no parent is perfect and one size does not fit all. Most parents blend multiple styles and if you are attuned to your child’s needs, willing to adjust and show unconditional love through structure, empathy, and presence you will likely build and maintain a healthy parent - child relationship. 

David Krasky is a licensed school psychologist and author of Raising Future Adults