Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums: A Guide for Parents and Caregivers
- David Krasky
- Jan 24
- 4 min read
Updated: 14 hours ago
by David Krasky, Psy.S.
Licensed School Psychologist and author of Raising Future Adults
As a school psychologist—and a parent—I often remind families of a simple but powerful truth: children do best when they know what’s coming. This is especially true during fun activities like vacations, trips to the store, birthday parties, or special outings. Ironically, the moments we expect to be joyful are often the ones that unravel the fastest when expectations are unclear. Excitement lowers frustration tolerance, novelty taxes self-regulation, and tired, hungry, or overstimulated kids (and sometimes adults) lose access to the coping skills they use every day.
Telling children the rules, expectations, consequences, and coping options ahead of time is not about controlling behavior—it’s about supporting nervous systems. Predictability helps children feel safe, and safety is the foundation for flexibility, resilience, and enjoyment.
Why Preparation Matters (Even for Fun Things)
When children don’t know:
how long something will last
what behavior is expected
what happens if things go off track
what they can do when they feel overwhelmed
their brains fill in the gaps with anxiety, impulsivity, or emotional overload. This often shows up as meltdowns, defiance, whining, or shutting down. Pre-teaching gives children a mental roadmap, reducing the emotional load before it ever peaks.
The Four Things Kids Need to Know in Advance
Before any outing or activity, children benefit from hearing:
The Rules – What behavior is expected.
The Expectations – How long it will last, what will happen, what won’t.
The Consequences – What happens if rules aren’t followed (calm, predictable, non-punitive) and what happens if rules ARE followed (more options, independence, fun, etc.).
The Coping Plan – What they can do if they feel frustrated, bored, tired, or overwhelmed.
Think of this as emotional packing before you leave the house.
Strategies by Age Group
Toddlers & Preschoolers (Ages 2–4)
Young children live in the moment and rely heavily on adults for regulation.
What Works Best
Very simple language ("We're leaving after one more game").
Visual cues and reminders.
Immediate, concrete expectations ("If you hit, then we stop").
Additional Example Scripts
“We are going to the store. You can help sit in the cart and hold your toy. We are buying three things. If you feel mad, you can tell me or squeeze your hands. If yelling happens, we will leave the store.”
Coping Tools
Holding a comfort item.
Deep breaths together (“Smell the flower, blow the candle”).
Counting or singing.
Early Elementary (Ages 5–7)
Children are developing impulse control but still need structure and reminders.
What Works Best
Clear timelines.
Choice within limits ("This or that, you choose").
Practice coping skills before they’re needed.
Example Script
“We’re going to the amusement park for three hours. You’ll need to stay with us and use a calm voice. If you feel frustrated waiting, you can ask for help, take a break, or do five deep breaths. If rules aren’t followed, we’ll take a break from the ride.”
Coping Tools
Asking for a break.
Breathing, stretching, movement.
Simple self-talk (“I can wait. This is hard but I can do it.”).
Older Elementary (Ages 8–11)
Children can reflect, plan, and problem-solve with support.
What Works Best
Collaborative conversations.
Clear cause-and-effect.
Ownership of coping strategies.
Example Script
“This trip will be busy and fun, which can also feel overwhelming. What usually helps you when you start getting frustrated? Let’s make a plan. If things go off track, we’ll take space or reset before continuing.”
Coping Tools
Walking away briefly.
Listening to music.
Journaling, drawing, or grounding exercises.
Adolescents (Ages 12–18)
Teens need respect, autonomy, and transparency.
What Works Best
Mutual expectations.
Respectful tone.
Emphasis on responsibility rather than control.
Example Script
“This vacation is about spending time together. We expect respectful communication and flexibility when plans change. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, let us know so we can problem-solve instead of things escalating.”
Coping Tools
Taking space appropriately.
Mindfulness or breathing apps.
Self-advocacy and boundary-setting.
The Power of Simple Language
When emotions rise, language capacity drops. Parents often over-explain in the moment, which unintentionally fuels dysregulation. Simple, calm phrases work best:
“I see you’re frustrated.”
“This is hard.”
“Let’s breathe.”
“We can handle this.”
These phrases signal safety and co-regulation rather than control.
Parents: Your Coping Skills Matter Most
Children borrow regulation from the adults around them. If a parent escalates, lectures, or reacts emotionally, a dysregulated child has no anchor. Modeling calm doesn’t mean suppressing emotion—it means showing how to manage it.
Helpful parent strategies include:
Slowing your voice and body.
Naming your own coping (“I’m taking a breath so I can stay calm”).
Pausing before responding.
Remembering that behavior is communication.
When parents regulate themselves first, children learn how to do the same. This is usually the most difficult step for us parents, so give yourself some grace. If you have a partner, work as a team.
Final Thoughts
Preparation doesn’t take the fun out of experiences—it protects it. When children know the rules, expectations, consequences, and coping options ahead of time, they are more confident, flexible, and emotionally safe. Over time, these conversations build lifelong skills: frustration tolerance, emotional awareness, self-regulation, and resilience. The goal isn’t perfect behavior. The goal is teaching children what to do when things don’t go perfectly—because that’s where real growth happens.
Read more in Raising Future Adults by David Krasky, a book for parents and stakeholders in children's futures.
Comments