Sometimes My Daughter is a (insert description here)...and That's OK, I Still Love Her
Written by David Krasky, M.S., Ed.S.
Licensed School Psychologist | 20+ years working with children, adolescents, young adults and families
There are moments when I look at my teenage daughter and think:
"Who is this person, and what happened to the sweet little girl who used to think I was the funniest person on Earth?"
There are days when she is thoughtful, funny, affectionate and genuinely wonderful to be around....And then there are other days.
Days when I ask a completely reasonable question and receive a look that suggests I have committed a serious international crime.
Days when a simple request is met with an eye roll, a sigh, a dismissive tone or a response that makes me wonder whether she has been secretly replaced by a highly irritated teenager who happens to look exactly like my daughter.
And yes, sometimes my daughter is an a$$hole.
And that's OK. I still love her.
Not because I think being disrespectful is acceptable.
Not because parents should allow their teenagers to treat them—or anyone else—poorly.
And certainly not because I believe we should excuse every behavior by saying, "She's just a teenager."
I love her because behavior is not the same thing as character.
And because underneath some of the attitude, irritability, withdrawal and emotional volatility is often a teenager who is trying to navigate a remarkably complicated period of human development.
Sometimes what looks like an attitude problem is actually an overwhelmed teenager who doesn't yet have the skills to communicate, "I'm overwhelmed."
Sometimes what looks like disrespect is frustration.
Sometimes what looks like laziness is exhaustion.
Sometimes what looks like indifference is anxiety.
And sometimes...
Sometimes she's just being an a$$hole.
That's adolescence, too.
The Teenage Brain Is Still Under Construction
Teenagers are not simply miniature adults with larger bodies and smartphones.
Their brains are undergoing enormous developmental changes.
The systems involved in emotion, reward, social sensitivity and reacting to immediate experiences develop differently and at different rates than the brain systems responsible for planning, impulse control, weighing long-term consequences and regulating emotions.
This creates an interesting situation.
A teenager may be capable of writing an impressive essay about the consequences of making poor decisions while simultaneously making a decision that leaves her parent thinking: "Did you seriously just do that?"
Yes.
She did.
This isn't because teenagers are stupid.
In fact, many teenagers are extraordinarily intelligent.
It's because intelligence and emotional regulation are not the same thing.
A teenager can understand something intellectually and still lack the emotional maturity, experience or self-regulation necessary to consistently act on that understanding.
And girls can experience particularly intense social and emotional pressures during adolescence.
Relationships become increasingly important. Peer acceptance can feel enormously consequential. Social comparison becomes more powerful. Identity is being constructed and reconstructed. Appearance, popularity, friendships, romantic relationships, academic performance and future plans can all feel like reflections of one's worth.
That's a lot for anyone....Now add a smartphone.
Social Media Never Lets Them Leave School
When I was growing up, you could have a terrible day at school and eventually go home.
The school day ended.
You got on the bus. You walked through the front door. You ate something. Maybe you talked to your parents. And eventually, the social drama stopped.
Today's teenagers don't necessarily get that break.
Their social worlds can follow them into their bedrooms.
They can see who went somewhere without them.
They can watch other kids seemingly living perfect lives.
They can become preoccupied with likes, comments, views, streaks, group chats, appearance and whether somebody responded to a message.
A disagreement that once might have lasted ten minutes can now continue for six hours through text messages and social media.
And social comparison has become nearly continuous.
"Everyone is having more fun than me."
"Everyone looks better than me."
"Everyone has more friends than me."
"Why wasn't I invited?"
"Why did she like her picture but not mine?"
Adults sometimes dismiss these concerns because they don't seem important from an adult perspective. But developmental psychology teaches us something important:
The emotional significance of an experience isn't determined solely by how important it seems to an adult.
For a teenager, social belonging can feel enormous.
So when your daughter comes downstairs upset about something that seems trivial, resist the immediate temptation to say:
"That's what you're upset about?"
Instead, try:
"I can tell this really bothered you."
You don't have to agree with her interpretation.
You don't have to solve the problem.
You simply have to recognize that the emotion is real.
They're Being Asked to Plan Their Entire Lives
Here's another strange thing we have done to teenagers:
We've made them think about their futures earlier and earlier.
College
Career
Extracurricular Activities
Internships
Advanced Classes and SAT/ACT's
Grades
And somehow we're expecting them to know what they want to do with their lives before they've even figured out who they are.
Adults frequently ask:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
But adolescence is supposed to be a period of exploration. Teenagers need opportunities to try things, fail, change their minds, discover interests and develop competence.
Instead, many feel as though every decision is building—or damaging—their future.
A bad grade doesn't necessarily feel like: "I didn't do well on this test."
It can feel like: "I'm falling behind."
Which can become: "I'm not good enough."
Which can become: "I'm never going to get into college."
Which becomes: "I'm going to screw up my entire future."
That is an enormous psychological leap but I hear it all the time from the teens that come into my office. And when teenagers are already carrying anxiety about the future, another parental lecture about grades may not produce motivation.
It may produce shutdown.
They're Losing Some of the Experiences That Teach Them How to Be Human
There is another developmental issue that deserves more attention:
Teenagers need real-world experiences.
They need opportunities to:
interact with people face-to-face
navigate awkward conversations
make plans with friends
solve problems without an adult immediately stepping in
experience disappointment
negotiate disagreements
figure out transportation
manage money
make mistakes
experience boredom
learn how to repair relationships
They need to discover: "I can handle this."
Yet many teenagers are simultaneously experiencing fewer opportunities for independent social interaction while spending more time in highly structured environments and digital spaces.
That matters.
Emotional development doesn't happen simply because someone turns 13, 14, 15 or 16.
It develops through experience
Problem solving develops by solving problems.
Confidence develops by doing difficult things.
Resilience develops by experiencing setbacks and discovering that you can recover.
Social competence develops through actual social interaction.
Independence develops through gradually having responsibility.
We CANNOT lecture our teenagers into becoming independent adults.
We have to give them opportunities to practice.
When Your Daughter Is Overwhelmed, She May Not Look Overwhelmed
This is one of the most important mindset shifts parents can make. Adults tend to imagine anxiety and stress as looking like anxiety and stress.
We picture someone crying.
Someone saying, "I'm overwhelmed."
Someone asking for help.
Teenagers don't always work that way.
A stressed teenager may become:
Irritable
Dismissive
Argumentative
Withdrawn
Sarcastic
Defensive
Forgetful
Avoidant
Unmotivated
Short-tempered
Emotionally reactive
Difficult to talk to
In other words: She may look like she's giving you an attitude when she's actually struggling to regulate herself.
This DOESN'T' mean every bad attitude is anxiety.
Sometimes a teenager is simply making a poor behavioral choice.
But before responding, it can help to ask yourself:
"What might be happening underneath this behavior?"
That one question can dramatically change the way a parent responds.
Don't Confuse Understanding With Excusing
This is where parents sometimes get stuck.
If we acknowledge that teenage behavior can be influenced by stress, anxiety, hormones, social pressure, brain development and emotional immaturity, does that mean we allow teenagers to behave however they want?
Absolutely NOT.
Understanding behavior does not require accepting behavior.
Your daughter can be overwhelmed and still be expected to speak respectfully.
She can be anxious and still have responsibilities.
She can be exhausted and still have to follow reasonable family rules.
She can be angry and still be prohibited from verbally attacking people.
The goal isn't:
"You are stressed, so you can behave however you want."
The goal is:
"I understand why you're stressed, and I'm still going to help you learn how to handle stress appropriately."
That's parenting.
Change the Question
When your daughter snaps at you, the first question that often comes to a parent's mind is:
"Why is she acting like this?"
Try changing it to:
"What is she communicating through this behavior?"
Maybe she's saying:
"I'm exhausted."
"I feel like everyone expects something from me."
"I don't know how to solve this."
"I'm embarrassed."
"I'm anxious about school."
"I'm having problems with my friends."
"I don't want to disappoint you."
"I don't know how to talk about this."
Or maybe she's saying:
"I'm fourteen and currently have absolutely no interest in your opinion."
That happens, too.
The important thing is that we don't automatically assume the worst interpretation.
Five Mindset Shifts for Parents
1. From "She's disrespecting me" to "She's struggling to regulate herself."
Sometimes the behavior is personal. Often, it isn't.
Teenagers frequently unload their emotions on the people with whom they feel safest.
Unfortunately, that can mean parents get the worst version of their child's behavior.
That doesn't mean you accept it. It means you don't automatically interpret it as rejection.
Try:
"I know you're upset. I'm willing to talk when you're ready, but I'm not willing to be spoken to that way."
That's empathy and a boundary.
2. From "I need to fix this" to "I need to help her learn to fix this."
Parents are natural problem solvers.
Our instinct is:
"Tell me what happened. I'll take care of it."
But if we constantly rescue our teenagers, we inadvertently communicate:
"You can't handle this without me."
Instead:
"What do you think you should do?"
"What options do you have?"
"What do you think will happen if you choose that option?"
"Do you want advice, or do you just want me to listen?"
Those questions build problem-solving muscles.
3. From "She's being dramatic" to "The emotion is real even if the reaction is disproportionate."
Teenagers sometimes have enormous emotional reactions to relatively small problems.
Don't make the mistake of attacking the size of the reaction.
Instead, acknowledge the emotion while helping her develop perspective.
"I can see that you're really upset. Let's figure out what happened and what we can actually do about it."
The goal is NOT to eliminate the emotion. It's to teach emotional regulation.
4. From "She should know better" to "She may know better and still need practice."
Knowing isn't the same as doing.
Teenagers may know:
they shouldn't send the angry text
they should study earlier
they shouldn't procrastinate
they should apologize
they shouldn't yell
But knowing isn't mastery.
That's why adolescence is a training period.
We don't expect someone to become emotionally mature simply because we explained emotional maturity to them.
5. From "I need her to like me" to "I need to parent her."
This one is hard. We all want our children to like us.
But sometimes being a good parent means disappointing your child.
You may have to say no, enforce a consequence, limit technology, insist she apologize and tell her that her behavior isn't acceptable.
She may be furious with you....That's okay.
Your job isn't to be your teenage daughter's favorite person every day.
Your job is to help her become a capable adult.
Sometimes the Best Parenting Move Is to Back Off
There are moments when talking is helpful.
And there are moments when talking makes everything worse.
When your daughter is emotionally flooded, a twenty-minute lecture about respect, gratitude, responsibility and the dangers of her behavior probably isn't going to produce a breakthrough.
It may produce an eye roll....Or a slammed door....Or an even bigger argument.
Sometimes the best response is:
"We're both frustrated. Let's take a break and talk about this later."
That isn't giving up.
It's modeling emotional regulation.
You're showing her:
People can become overwhelmed without becoming destructive.
And:
Taking space can be a healthy choice.
Connection Before Correction
One of the most powerful parenting principles is simple:
Connection makes correction more effective.
A teenager who feels fundamentally loved and accepted is generally better positioned to hear difficult feedback.
That means making sure your relationship isn't built entirely around:
Grades....Chores....College....Behavior....Screen time....Attendance...Missing assignments...
College applications....Future plans.
Sometimes your daughter needs you to be her psychologist. Sometimes she needs you to be her parent.
And sometimes she just needs you to order pizza and watch something stupid together.
Those seemingly insignificant moments matter.
They create the emotional bank account from which you can make withdrawals when difficult conversations become necessary.
Give Her More Opportunities to Be Capable
If we want our daughters to become independent women, we have to let them practice independence.
Let her make some decisions, manage some responsibilities and experience natural consequences when appropriate. (e.g., next vacation, food shopping, deal with incomplete if not finishing homework)
Let her solve problems.
Let her navigate uncomfortable conversations.
Let her make mistakes that are survivable.
Let her discover that she can handle things without you.
And when she succeeds, don't immediately tell her how you helped.
Tell her:
"You figured that out."
Because eventually, that's what we want her to believe.
Not:
"Mom and Dad will always fix this."
But:
"I can handle hard things."
And Then There Are the Days When She's Just Being a Teenager
There is an important distinction between psychological interpretation and overinterpretation.
Not every eye roll represents anxiety and notevery bad mood represents depression.
Sometimes teenagers are moody, selfish, inconsiderate, exhausted and behave like
a$$holes!
And sometimes...
that's just part of growing up.
Our job isn't to pathologize every unpleasant behavior.
Our job is to pay attention to patterns, context, intensity, duration and impairment.
When significant changes in mood, functioning, relationships, sleep, appetite, academic performance or safety occur, parents should take those changes seriously and seek professional guidance when appropriate.
But ordinary adolescent imperfection doesn't require a diagnosis.
Sometimes it requires patience....boundaries...consequences....or even a hug.
And sometimes it requires everyone to go to their respective corners for twenty minutes.
The Goal Isn't a Perfect Daughter
I don't want my daughter to grow up believing that being a good person means never being angry, frustrated, anxious, selfish, confused or overwhelmed.
That's impossible.
I want her to learn what to do with those emotions.
I want her to know how to apologize, repair relationships and tolerate disappointment. I want her to ask for help, communicate when she's upset and recognize when she's overwhelmed. I want her to solve problems and recover after making mistakes and that sometimes others' behaviors are NOT acceptable.
And eventually, how to do these things without me standing next to her.
That's the real goal of parenting.
Not raising a child who never struggles.
Raising an adult who knows how to handle struggle.
So, Yes, Sometimes My Daughter Is an A$$hole
And sometimes I'm probably an a$$hole, too.
Parenting a teenager isn't a competition to determine who has the better attitude.
It's a long-term relationship.
There will be arguments, slammed doors, eye rolls and moments when you think, ""I literally cannot believe you just said that to me."
There will also be laughter, inside jokes, random hugs (I'm still waiting), car rides and shared experiences.
Moments when she surprises you with how mature she has become.
And eventually, there will be a young woman standing in front of you who possesses something you couldn't give her directly:
her own independence.
That independence will have been built from thousands of tiny experiences in which she was allowed to think, decide, struggle, fail, recover, communicate, solve problems and try again.
So when your teenage daughter is having a terrible day, remember:
You don't have to like her behavior to love her.
You don't have to approve of her attitude to understand it.
You don't have to solve every problem to support her.
And you don't have to turn every difficult moment into a lesson.
Sometimes you just need to stay connected, hold the boundary, give her some space and come back later.
And remind yourself that the person standing in front of you is still under construction.
Because beneath the attitude, the hormones, the social pressure, the academic stress, the anxiety about the future and the seemingly endless emotional drama is a young person learning how to become an adult.
And that takes time.
So, yes. Sometimes my daughter is an a$$hole.
And that's okay.
I still love her.
And hopefully, she knows that nothing she does on a bad Tuesday is going to change that.
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