Emotional Intelligence & Empathy

How to teach your children to identify, manage, understand and utilize emotions effectively and constructively

by David Krasky, Psy.S. Licensed School Psychologist and author of Raising Future Adults

Emotional Intelligence

While the terms emotional intelligence and empathy are buzz words in the parenting world, they are also two of the greatest predictors of healthy relationships, self-care, communication and overall success. Think of it this way. If you had to hire someone for your company, would you hire the Harvard grad with poor social skills and an inability to collaborate with others or the community college grade who is relatable, socially mature and flexible? Unless those traits don't matter (think of professions with limited social interactions) you're going to want someone on your team who can get along with others, compromise and read the room.

🧠 Why empathy and emotional intelligence matter (research foundation)

• Parental empathy and responsiveness are strong predictors of children’s emotional regulation, attachment security, and social competence 

• Empathy begins developing as early as the second year of life, shaped heavily by parenting style and modeling

• Warm, structured (authoritative) parenting consistently produces higher empathy and prosocial behavior 

• Emotional intelligence skills (labeling, regulating, problem-solving) are linked to long-term mental health, relationships, and resilience 

  
  

  👉 Bottom line: Empathy is not just innate—it is taught, modeled, and reinforced over time.

👶 Ages 0–3: Building the foundation (attachment + emotional mirroring)

Attachment and emotional mirroring

1. Emotional mirroring (“serve and return”)

• Copy facial expressions, tone, and emotions

• “You’re smiling! You feel happy!”

➡️ Builds early brain wiring for emotional understanding

2. Immediate, sensitive responding

• Comfort distress quickly

• Creates secure attachment, the foundation of empathy

3. Joint attention + shared experiences

• “Look at the dog! We see it together”

• Teaches shared emotional experience

4. Label emotions constantly

• Even before language develops

🧒 Ages 3–7: Teaching empathy explicitly

Teaching empathy

1. Emotion coaching (Gold standard)

• Validate → label → guide

• Example: “You’re mad. That makes sense. What can we do?”

➡️ Strongly linked to emotional regulation and empathy

2. Perspective-taking questions

• “How do you think your friend felt?”

• Builds cognitive empathy

3. Story-based empathy (high evidence)

• Discuss characters’ thoughts/feelings

• Ask “why” questions

➡️ Proven to increase perspective-taking

4. Role-play + practice

• Act out scenarios (sharing, conflict, helping)

5. Teach repair (not just “say sorry”)

• “What can you do to help them feel better?”

🧑 Ages 8–12: Deepening emotional intelligence

Parents and teen

1. Problem-solving coaching

• Identify problem → consider others → generate solutions

2. Natural consequences + reflection

• “What happened? How did it affect them?”

3. Cooperative experiences

• Group work, sports, helping roles

➡️ Reinforces prosocial behavior through practice

4. Encourage helping behavior

• Volunteering, caring for siblings/pets

5. Teach moral reasoning

• Discuss fairness, justice, and impact

🔑 Core strategies that work across ALL ages

1. Modeling (most powerful factor)

Children learn empathy by watching you

• How you handle conflict

• How you talk about others

• How you respond to distress

➡️ One of the strongest predictors across studies

2. Emotion coaching (evidence-based)

• Validate feelings (don’t dismiss)

• Teach coping skills. Make sure that they are adaptive and functional for all types of situations and environments (e.g., if in car, can listen to music but if in class, might want to ask for a quick break or to work in a different location)

• Guide behavior

3. Authoritative parenting (not permissive)

• Warm + structured

• Clear limits + empathy

➡️ Produces best empathy outcomes

4. Teach self-regulation FIRST

• A dysregulated child cannot access empathy

➡️ Emotional regulation is foundational to empathy

5. Use everyday moments (not lectures)

• Conflict, mistakes, and frustration = best teaching opportunities

⚠️ What if your child shows LOW empathy or remorse?

Low empathy or remorse

This is critical—and must be handled thoughtfully.

🚩 Step 1: Understand the cause (not all lack of empathy is the same)

Common reasons:

• Developmental delay (normal in younger children)

• ADHD (impulsivity → misses others’ feelings)

• Autism (difficulty with perspective-taking, not lack of caring)

• Emotional dysregulation (overwhelmed by own feelings)

• Anxiety or trauma (self-protection mode)

• Harsh or inconsistent discipline

• Callous-unemotional traits (less common, more serious)

🛠️ Step 2: What to DO (evidence-based interventions)

1. Increase emotional coaching intensity

• Don’t assume they “should know”

• Teach explicitly and repeatedly

2. Slow down behavior → reflect

Instead of punishment:

• “What happened?”

• “How did they feel?”

• “What can you do now?”

3. Focus on REPAIR (key shift)

• Apology + action

• Fixing harm builds empathy more than punishment. Even if they don't have the feeling or regret or remorse, they can still learn how to repair

4. Reduce shame-based discipline

❌ “You’re mean”✅ “That hurt them—let’s fix it”

➡️ Shame reduces empathy; guilt increases it (research-backed principle)

5. Reinforce empathy immediately

• “That was kind when you helped him”

• Builds neural pathways through reinforcement

6. Teach perspective-taking directly

Some kids need explicit instruction:

• Use visuals, scripts, or step-by-step thinking

• "I feel really bad that I snapped at you earlier. Next time I feel that upset, I'm going to tell you that I need to be alone for a little bit before we talk."

7. Build emotional regulation skills

• Breathing, breaks, calming strategies

• Especially critical for ADHD/anxiety

🚨 Step 3: When to seek professional help

Consider evaluation if you consistently observe:

• No remorse after harming others

• Enjoyment of others’ distress

• Chronic lying/manipulation

• Aggression without concern

• Lack of attachment or emotional responsiveness

These may indicate:

• Callous-unemotional traits

• Conduct-related concerns

• Neurodevelopmental differences

👉 Early intervention significantly improves outcomes

💡 Key takeaway for parents

• Empathy is built through thousands of small interactions, not one lesson

• The strongest drivers are:

  1. Your modeling

  2. Emotion coaching

  3. Warm + structured parenting

  4. Opportunities to practice empathy

David Krasky, Psy.S. is a licensed school psychologist and author of Raising Future Adults