"Did you talk to your teacher?" Teaching Children How to Self-Advocate in School, Home and the Workplace

Here's an example of a common interaction I have with teenagers regarding their schoolwork (or lack thereof):

Me: "So your mom won't let you sleep over your friend's house because you have a low grade in Math. Why is it low? Missing homework, low test grades, etc.?"

Student: "The teacher is terrible! They haven't put in my last two make-up assignments and I'm still waiting for them to ask me to make up the test. In the meantime they put a zero there until I can make it up so it makes my grade online terrible."

Me: "So did you ask the teacher about when they are going to put your made-up assignments into the grade book or when you can retake the test you missed?"

Student: "No. I'm waiting for them to email me."

Now, for this interaction to have more context you'd need to know the age of the child along with what type of communication skills and maturity level they exhibit. Let's say they were a 15-year-old, 10th grade student with typical social skills and emotional functioning meaning no severe social anxiety that would make any in-person interactions more difficult. As children get older, their teachers expect them to be their own advocates who communicate with them instead of their parents. If you think of the long term benefits of practicing self-advocacy with authority figures, it will help your children in all aspects of their lives including bosses, colleagues, roommates, romantic partners and professors.

Here are some helpful tips when shaping your child's self-advocacy skills:

1. What Do They Need: Ask specific questions as to what they need and why? Do they need the teacher to put in past grades so they can become "ungrounded?" Does your child need to coordinate with their teacher regarding a make-up test? Do they need to let group members know for a group project that they are not pulling their weight?

2. What Works Best: Many children and teenagers find it difficulty to talk to teachers when they need something or feel that the teacher is difficult to talk to. Do they prefer emailing their teachers/bosses or talking in person? Are they better able to self-advocate when they have a friend with them or when it is one-on-one with no other students around? Does your child prefer getting this over with first thing in the morning or during class?

3. Practice, practice, practice: Like most other skills, the more a child practices self-advocating for themself, the better they will become. Have them practice or role-play with you or anyone else in the home. Model it for them where you pretend you are the child and they are the teacher. Remind them that it might be a little stressful for a few moments, but nowhere near as stressful as the consequences of not self-advocating.

4. If All Else Fails: A good rule of thumb for self-advocating in the schools is that the child should advocate for themselves first. If they've tried this correctly and in an appropriate manner and they are still not getting their needs met, then it's a good time for the parents or caregivers to step in. You don't have to go all "scorched earth" but should email or ask the teacher if you're child has reached out to them and if they need anything else from them or you. This acts as a gentle reminder that you're now involved but are still letting your child handle their own situation. If this doesn't work, that's when you can go up the chain of command and get in touch with team leaders or administrators.

   
   

One of the most exciting lessons for children as they grow into young adults is learning to self-advocate! This skill will greatly benefit their future relationships and instill a strong sense of self-reliance and pride. When we step back and let children handle their own problem-solving, we empower them rather than enable them. Plus, it often leads to better outcomes, as teachers and other authority figures tend to offer more leniency and flexibility when children advocate for themselves in a respectful and mature way.

David Krasky is the author of Raising Future Adults, a guide for parents to raise independent, socially mature and emotionally healthy children.