The Hardest Part About Being an Adult: Finding Other Adults You Can Trust and Rely Upon

One of the most sobering realizations of adulthood isn’t taxes, time management, or even juggling family and career—it's recognizing that being an adult often means relying on other adults to be competent, trustworthy, and emotionally mature. And sometimes, they simply aren’t. Teaching young people how to identify reliable professionals, and how to build and maintain strong personal and professional relationships, is one of the most valuable lessons we can offer.

As a psychologist, I’ve sat with many teenagers and young adults grappling with the quiet disillusionment that comes from realizing that the world isn’t run by people who necessarily have it all figured out. Doctors misdiagnose. Bosses mismanage. Leaders disappoint. Even loved ones can fail to show up in ways we hoped or expected. This loss of assumed safety or confidence in others can be unsettling. Knowing how to choose the right people—whether it’s a doctor, mentor, or real estate agent—helps young adults protect their health, finances, and long-term well-being. But beyond choosing trustworthy professionals, building personal networks and social-emotional skills helps ensure they have people to lean on for referrals, advice, and guidance. 

Childhood vs. Adulthood: The Shift in Trust

As children, most of us are taught—implicitly or directly—to trust that adults know what they’re doing. They make the rules, fix the problems, and keep us safe. Even if we rebel or push boundaries, that belief underpins much of our early development. Then, adulthood arrives. We walk into jobs where decisions that deeply impact our lives are made by people who seem just as uncertain, reactive, or biased as anyone else. We interact with service providers, coworkers, even therapists or educators, and realize: "These are just people." And sometimes, they don’t know any more than we do. Or worse, they act in self-interest, are overwhelmed, or simply aren’t competent.

The Emotional Toll of Adult Disappointment

This awareness can lead to a quiet but powerful emotional burden—hyper-independence, chronic mistrust, or even loneliness. I've worked with many individuals who struggle to delegate, collaborate, or ask for help because they've been burned too many times or don’t want to “burden” others. They're not trying to control everything—they’re just afraid to be let down again or feel judged as incapable. Others internalize the dysfunction around them, feeling gaslit by the chaos. “Am I the only one who sees this isn’t working?” “Why does everyone else seem okay with this behavior?” This self-questioning can lead to anxiety, depression, or burnout.

Why It Hurts So Much

Depending on others is fundamental to how we function as a society. We rely on teachers to educate our children, healthcare workers to keep us well, pilots to fly us safely, mechanics to fix our brakes. There’s an implicit contract of mutual responsibility. When others fall short—not just once, but consistently—it can feel like the foundation of adulthood is cracking beneath our feet.

Building Resilience in an Imperfect World

So, how do we teach our children to live in a world where they must depend on others, knowing they may not always be reliable?

Step 1: Teaching the Basics of Trust and Credibility

Help teens understand what trust looks like in a professional context.

• Credentials and Licensing: Teach them to check for degrees, certifications, and licenses. For example, a therapist should be licensed by the state board; a financial advisor should have credentials like CFP or fiduciary responsibility.

• Reviews and Referrals: Show them how to read reviews with a critical eye and why word-of-mouth referrals (especially from people they respect) are often the most reliable.

• Professional Behavior: Trusted professionals communicate clearly, set appropriate boundaries, follow through, and are transparent about costs and expectations.

• Red Flags: Pushy behavior, lack of documentation, poor communication, or evasiveness are often signs to move on.

  
  

Step 2: Building Social Confidence and Communication Skills

The ability to ask questions, assert oneself, and navigate conversations is just as important as knowing what to look for. Teens and young adults benefit from practicing how to:

• Interview a Provider: Role-play asking questions like “What experience do you have with clients like me?” or “What happens if I’m not satisfied with your service?”

• Say No or Leave: Help them learn that they are allowed to walk away if something doesn’t feel right—even if the person is older, in a position of power, or comes highly recommended.

• Set Boundaries: Teach them to speak up if they feel uncomfortable, misunderstood, or taken advantage of.

  
  

Step 3: The Power of Building Connections

Perhaps the most underappreciated adult survival tool is a strong, diverse personal network. Encourage teens and young adults to:

• Develop Relationships with Adults They Trust: Coaches, teachers, religious leaders, neighbors, and family friends can serve as mentors and advisors.

• Ask for Referrals: Teach them to say, “Do you know someone you trust who could help me with ___?” Trusted adults are often more than willing to share contacts or guidance.

• Engage in Communities: Volunteering, internships, alumni networks, or professional organizations give them access to people with valuable experience and insight.

• Keep in Touch: Help them understand that maintaining relationships—sending a thank-you message, checking in, offering help in return—builds a reputation of reliability that others want to support.

  
  

Step 4: Modeling and Experience

Young people learn best by watching and doing. Parents, educators, and mentors can help by:

• Modeling Your Own Decision-Making: When hiring a contractor or choosing a new doctor, explain your thought process out loud.

• Involving Them in Real Decisions: Let them sit in on a financial consultation or be part of researching a family service provider.

• Creating Practice Scenarios: Give them chances to call a business, ask for help at a store, or resolve a small conflict, with your guidance

Adults don’t need to know everything—they just need to know how to find the right people and how to build the right connections while filtering out all the noise created by “fake news”, AI and everyone claiming to be an expert. That’s something we can teach—and something they can master. 

David Krasky is a licensed school psychologist and author of Raising Future Adults