Listening With Your Eyes: How Parents Can Use Behavior to Understand Their Child’s Emotional World

David Krasky
Sep 27
3 min read

"I'm fine!" "I'm only upset because you made me!" "Leave me alone!"

As a school psychologist, I often remind parents that children “speak” in more ways than just words. Much of what we can learn about a child’s emotional and psychological functioning comes from carefully observing changes in their behavior, tone of voice, and daily habits. When parents tune into these subtle shifts, they gain valuable insights into how their child is feeling and can intervene early when concerns arise.

The Power of Observation

Children are often less able to articulate their emotions directly, especially when they are in emotional distress. Instead, their feelings may show up in:

Tone of voice – A sudden sharpness, flatness, or withdrawal in speech may signal frustration, sadness, or anxiety.
Facial expressions and body language – Avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, or appearing tense can be early indicators of stress.
Behavioral changes – Patterns are key. A child who once enjoyed family dinners but now consistently eats in their room is signaling a change that deserves attention.

Parents should remember that a single behavior doesn’t necessarily point to a problem, but a cluster of changes or a noticeable shift over time can serve as a “red flag.”

Red Flags to Watch For

While every child is unique, some common indicators of emotional or psychological distress include:

Mood changes: Increased irritability, sadness, or sudden emotional outbursts.
Isolation: Withdrawing from family or friends, spending more time alone.
Socialization shifts: Loss of interest in peers, avoiding activities they once enjoyed.
Appetite changes: Eating much more or less than usual, skipping meals.
Academic decline: Drops in grades, unfinished homework, or decreased motivation.
Uncharacteristic behavior: Risk-taking, defiance, or behaviors that don’t align with their usual temperament. Sleeping more or less is also a common red flag.

These signs don’t automatically indicate a serious mental health condition, but they should be viewed as invitations to check in more closely with your child.

How to Broach the Subject Without Defensiveness

Parents often worry that asking about their child’s emotions will make them defensive or shut down the conversation. The key is to approach with curiosity, empathy, and validation rather than interrogation. Here are some strategies:

Choose the right time and setting: Bring it up when your child feels safe and relaxed—during a car ride, while walking, or at bedtime. Avoid launching into heavy discussions when they’re already upset or distracted.
Use observations, not accusations: Frame your concern in terms of what you’ve noticed, not what you assume. For example:
- “I’ve noticed you’ve been spending more time in your room after school. I just want to make sure you’re doing okay.”
Offer validation: Acknowledge that their feelings are real, even if you don’t fully understand them.
- “It makes sense that you’d feel overwhelmed with all the changes going on.”
- "This would be stressful for anyone, even an adult."
Listen more than you speak: Allow pauses, avoid rushing to solutions, and show with your body language that you’re open and supportive. Most of us adults use too many words. Keep it short and simple when you ask questions and respond.
Keep the door open: If they aren’t ready to talk, let them know you’re available anytime. Sometimes children need time to trust that you won’t react with judgment or overreaction.

Providing Support and Next Steps

When a child opens up, the most powerful response a parent can give is presence—listening without immediately trying to fix everything. Depending on what your child shares, support may include:

Helping them problem-solve small stressors.
Adjusting routines to reduce pressure.
Offering reassurance that you’re on their team.
Seeking professional help if concerns persist or intensify.

Final Thoughts

Parents don’t need to be detectives, but they do need to be attentive observers. By noticing changes in tone, behavior, and habits, parents can better understand what their child may be experiencing emotionally. Approaching these observations with gentleness, validation, and consistent support allows children to feel safe enough to open up—an essential step toward building resilience and emotional well-being.

David Krasky is a licensed school psychologist and author of Raising Future Adults