A Masterclass in Deescalation

As a school psychologist, one of the most common concerns I hear from parents is, “What do I do when my child gets upset because they don’t get their way—or when they refuse to do something they don’t want to do?” These everyday struggles are natural parts of parenting, but how we respond in those moments can either escalate the situation or help children learn to regulate themselves.

It so happens I recently witnessed this in full effect the other night at a restaurant when a young child didn’t want the food they ordered. Voices started rising (as did temperatures) as the child was adamant that they didn’t like that food and would not be coaxed into trying even the smallest of bites. What came next was masterful. The mother stayed calm, told the other adults to let her handle it (very difficult to do when it’s grandparents or spouses) and made flexible compromises. The whole situation which could’ve lasted over an hour only took about three minutes. Eventually the little boy tried a small bite and decided he still didn’t like it but he would eat the rice and vegetables from the meal. He even tried the main course again upon parent request to confirm he still didn’t like it. 

When dealing with an escalating situation, the goal isn’t to “win” every battle—it’s to teach children how to manage disappointment, frustration, and limits. 

Below are practical strategies parents can use to deescalate conflict and model emotional regulation:

1. Stay Calm and Regulate Yourself First

Children look to us as their emotional anchors. When a parent becomes flustered, raises their voice, or uses too many words, a child’s nervous system often escalates further.

• What to do: Take a slow breath before responding. Lower your tone and volume. Keep your body language relaxed but firm.

• What to say: Instead of lengthy explanations, use short phrases:

  • “I know you’re upset.”

  • “I hear you.”

  • “We’ll talk when you’re calm.”

2. Use Fewer Words

When children are overwhelmed, they are less able to process language. Explaining or negotiating during a tantrum or argument often fuels frustration.

• What to do: State expectations in clear, simple terms. Resist the urge to lecture.

• What to say:

  • Instead of: “You need to understand that I’ve asked you three times to put away your toys and it’s important to listen when I ask because…”

  • Try: “Toys away now. We’ll play again later.”

3. Limit the Number of Adults Involved 

When multiple adults respond at once, children may feel ganged up on, or they may try to play one parent against the other. This intensifies power struggles.

• What to do: Decide which parent or adult will handle the situation. The other can provide quiet support but should not step in unless necessary.

  
  

Tip: A united but calm approach reduces confusion and gives the child a clear sense of structure.

4. Acknowledge Feelings Without Giving In

Children need to know that their feelings are seen and understood, even when the answer is still “no.”

• What to say:

  • “I know you’re disappointed you can’t have more screen time. It’s hard to stop when you’re having fun.”

  • “I hear that you don’t want to do your homework. It feels frustrating. But homework comes before play.”

Validation does not mean changing the limit—it communicates respect while holding the boundary.

5. Allow Space When Needed

Sometimes, both children and parents benefit from a short break. This isn’t a punishment but an opportunity to calm down.

• What to do: Offer space calmly.

  • “You can take a break in your room and come back when you’re ready.”

  • “I’m going to step into the kitchen for a moment. We’ll talk when we’re both calmer.”

Giving space teaches children that cooling down is part of solving problems.

6. Be Consistent with Boundaries

Children test limits—it’s part of their growth. If a parent sometimes gives in after a tantrum, the child learns that escalating behavior can be effective. Consistency is key.

• What to do: Decide on the rule or limit before the conflict arises, and stick to it.

  
  

Tip: If screen time ends at 7:00, then it ends at 7:00—whether the child protests or not.

7. Reconnect After the Storm

Once emotions have settled, return to the child with warmth and reassurance. This communicates that while the behavior was not acceptable, the relationship remains safe and loving.

• What to say:

  • “That was tough. I’m glad we got through it together.”

  • “Next time, let’s try taking deep breaths before we talk.”

This helps children learn repair and resilience.

Parenting isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about guiding children through it with calmness, consistency, and care. By staying grounded, using fewer words, involving fewer people, and holding firm yet empathetic boundaries, parents can deescalate tense moments and teach children lifelong skills in emotional regulation.

David Krasky is a licensed school psychologist and author of Raising Future Adults