What Parents Get Wrong About Motivation
- David Krasky
- Feb 17
- 4 min read
by Licensed School Psychologist and author of Raising Future Adults, David Krasky, Psy.S.
Motivation is one of the most misunderstood parts of parenting. Many parents believe motivation is something you give children — through rewards, pressure, or consequences. Research consistently shows something different: motivation is something children build internally, and parents shape the environment where it either grows or shrinks. When meeting with teens and young adults, they often share that motivating themselves to start whatever task they're avoiding (usually schoolwork) is one of the greatest barriers to success. They often wait until they are motivated...but that's not how it works. Activation promotes motivation, not the other way around. When helping children learn how to self-motivate, we can look at what the research and practical application has shown.
The Biggest Misconception: “If I Reward It, It Will Stick”
Rewards work — but often only short term.
Research in Self-Determination Theory (SDT) shows that motivation is strongest and most sustainable when three psychological needs are met:
Autonomy (choice and control)
Competence (feeling capable)
Relatedness (feeling connected and supported)
When these are supported, intrinsic motivation increases and predicts positive outcomes across educational settings and cultures. At the same time, heavy reliance on external rewards, deadlines, or constant evaluation can reduce intrinsic motivation, especially for activities children might otherwise enjoy.
Intrinsic vs Extrinsic Motivation
Intrinsic Motivation
Doing something because it is interesting, enjoyable, or meaningful.
Examples:
Drawing because it’s fun
Reading because you’re curious
Practicing soccer because you love improving
Intrinsic motivation is considered the “prototype” of self-driven behavior — especially visible in young children’s play.
Extrinsic Motivation
Doing something to get or avoid something else.
Examples:
Homework for grades
Chores for allowance
Studying to avoid punishment
Extrinsic motivation is not bad — but it’s weaker long-term unless children internalize the value of the activity.
What Actually Promotes Motivation by Age and Stage
👶 Infants & Toddlers: Motivation = Cause and Effect + Exploration
Babies are born intrinsically motivated to influence their environment. When they see results from their actions, motivation increases.
What Works
Toys or environments that respond to their actions
Hands-on exploration
Play-based learning
Visible success experiences
Playful learning boosts curiosity, attention, and long-term motivation.
Parent Modeling
Show curiosity
Narrate problem solving
Celebrate effort, not outcome
🧒 Elementary Age: Motivation = Competence + Enjoyment + Belonging
When children feel capable and enjoy activities, intrinsic motivation predicts real behavior (like physical activity participation).
What Works
Choice within structure
Skill-building with achievable challenge
Encouragement tied to effort
Opportunities to see improvement
Common Parent Mistake
Over-rewarding basic expected behaviors → reduces internal drive.
🧑🎓 Adolescence: Motivation = Identity + Reward Sensitivity + Meaning
Adolescents show increased reward sensitivity due to dopamine system changes — meaning rewards and incentives feel stronger during this stage. But motivation is also more emotionally and socially driven. Research shows adolescent brains process reward differently depending on whether reward is tied to action or cues — helping explain impulsivity and inconsistent motivation.
What Works
Connecting effort to identity (“You’re someone who follows through”)
Linking tasks to future goals
Autonomy with guardrails
Coaching decision making instead of controlling it
What Parents Often Get Wrong
❌ “More rewards = more motivation”
Often creates compliance, not internal drive.
❌ “Pressure builds work ethic”
Pressure increases anxiety → reduces persistence.
❌ “Kids just need discipline”
Discipline without meaning → external dependence.
❌ “Motivation should look the same at every age”
Motivation changes developmentally — biologically and psychologically.
How Parents Can Teach Lifelong Motivation Skills
1. Model Motivation Out Loud
Let kids see you:
Try hard things
Finish boring tasks
Learn new skills
Talk about why effort matters
Kids copy what you live, not what you lecture.
Community parenting discussions often echo this — modeling enjoyment and effort is repeatedly cited as more effective than forcing behavior.
2. Teach Effort → Progress → Confidence
Help kids see the chain:Effort → Improvement → Pride → Motivation
Instead of: “I’ll give you money if you get an A”
Try: “What would it mean to you to master this?”
3. Let Kids Own Problems (Within Safe Limits)
Instead of fixing: Ask:
“What do you think your options are?”
“What’s your plan?”
This builds executive functioning and independence.
4. Use Rewards Strategically (Not Constantly)
Good uses of rewards:
Building early habits
Safety behaviors
Launching new routines
Then slowly shift toward internal motivation.
5. Protect Curiosity (Especially Under Age 10)
Curiosity is one of the strongest predictors of lifelong learning and achievement.
Too much performance pressure too early can shut it down.
The Long-Term Goal
You are not raising a child who:
✔ Works for stickers
✔ Works to avoid punishment
✔ Works only when watched
You are raising a child who:
✔ Works because they care
✔ Works because they believe effort matters
✔ Works because they see themselves as capable
That’s the difference between controlled motivation and self-driven motivation — and it predicts success across school, relationships, and career.
Motivation is not something you give your child — it’s something you help them discover, practice, and eventually own.
David Krasky, Psy.S. is a licensed school psychologist and author of Raising Future Adults
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