The Worst Day of Your Life: How to Support Your Child, Teen or Young Adult Children During Disappointment, Grief or Loss

"I'm so sorry. You're not alone. We love you." Most people are not taught what to say let alone how to support our children when they suffer any kind of loss or disappointment. Many of the tropes of the past included phrases that are the opposite of supportive like "It could be worse" or "Everything happens for a reason." While the person making these statements often has the best intentions, the person who is suffering is most likely unable to see things that way. You can think of grief like a physical wound that needs time to heal. Nothing you say can immediately eradicate their feelings of grief or disappointment. For the purpose of this article, grief will include any type of loss like the loss of a possible future, relationship or idea.

Many grief specialists will teach their clients that grieving doesn't happen in a straight line and there is no secret sauce. It takes time, support and healthy coping skills to allow our minds and spirits to heal. These coping skills can be taught and practiced by people of all ages including young children. Moreover, coping skills will be age-dependent and can serve as moments of relief, distraction or even enjoyment. Caregivers can often feel helpless or confused when their children are grieving or suffering because as most of us parents know, nothing hurts more than seeing our children suffer. These strategies will hopefully help you guide your children, teens or young adults through the grieving process:

1. Be Present: Showing up and being available is sometimes the most important factor in helping children cope with grief and loss. As children become older, they may try and isolate or detach from you and others but remind them that even if they are in their room alone, you are there and are always ready to listen or just sit silently in the same room. Being present for younger children may look like engaging in activities together or having extra time together at night (most children and teens report that their mind has lots of room to focus on grief and disappointment when not distracted or engaged during the day).

2. What to Say: The best things to say are usually simple and sincere. Statements like, "We love you no matter what, you're not alone, I see how much this hurts and I'm here if you need anything, and this is so hard and I know you have the abilities to get through it" are all great ways to show your support. The younger your children are, the more you want to focus on naming feelings and providing options. "It's okay to feel hurt and sad. Do you need me to listen or just be here with you while you play? If you feel upset for a while, that's okay, you're not alone."

3. You Don't Have to Fix: Think of your role in supporting your child's grief or disappointment as one of a companion, not fixer. Companions sit "next to" their children, not "above them" when proving support. Even if they ask how to make these feelings go away, remind them that it takes time and support and that you'll be with them no matter what.

4. Healthy Versus Unhealthy Coping Skills: Make sure you're watching what they do as much as listening to what they say. If you begin to notice your child exhibiting unhealthy or maladaptive behaviors such as hurting themselves or others, engaging in dangerous behavior or isolating more, provide nonjudgmental guidance letting them know that you're worried that they are still suffering and doing things that might be more harmful than helpful. If this continues and you are unsure of what to do, reach out to professionals for support. There are therapists who specialize in grief for children, teens and adults of all ages and provide a safe space in which they can process their feelings and learn healthy ways to cope.

Grief, loss and disappointment are some of the most difficult feelings your children will ever experience. Many cultures here have learned that these are emotions to avoid instead of a normal part of life. No matter how much you try to shield your children from these emotions, they are going to lose something or someone that leaves them feeling more hurt and disappointed than ever before. Instead of trying to fix the problem (not possible), be part of the solution by being present and supportive, offering an ear for listening, shoulder for crying on and all the hugs wanted through the grieving process.

David Krasky is a licensed school psychologist and author of Raising Future Adults, a parenting book with strategies on over 50 different topics for children of all ages