“F Around and Find Out” Parenting: A School Psychologist’s Perspective

Parenting styles come in many forms, some rooted in decades of research, others born out of cultural trends or personal trial and error. One phrase that has surfaced recently in parenting conversations is the “F Around and Find Out” (FAFO) method. It reflects a parenting philosophy where children are allowed to test boundaries and directly experience the natural consequences of their actions.

As a licensed school psychologist working in private practice, I can see why this approach resonates with some parents—it’s straightforward, memorable, and often effective in the short term. But like all parenting methods, it comes with strengths, limitations, and important nuances.

What Is the FAFO Parenting Method?

At its core, the FAFO method is consequence-based parenting. Instead of preemptively preventing missteps, parents allow children to “push” against rules or expectations, and then “find out” what happens when natural or logical consequences unfold.

Example:

• A child refuses to wear a coat on a chilly morning. Instead of battling, the parent lets the child go outside, “find out” it’s cold, and then choose to put the coat on later.

The idea is that real-world consequences can be more powerful teachers than lectures or punishments.

Pros of the FAFO Method

1. Promotes Independence and Problem-Solving

   Children learn through trial and error, developing critical thinking and decision-making skills.

   
   

2. Reduces Power Struggles

   Parents don’t have to constantly nag or argue. The world becomes the teacher.

   
   

3. Teaches Accountability

   Children see the link between their choices and outcomes, fostering personal responsibility.

   
   

4. Natural Consequences Are Memorable

   Kids often remember lessons learned through direct experience more than repeated verbal reminders.

Cons and Potential Pitfalls

1. Safety Concerns

   Not all “find out” consequences are safe. Allowing too much leeway can lead to physical harm or emotional distress.

   
   

2. Can Feel Like Neglect if Misapplied

   Children still need structure, guidance, and clear expectations. A purely hands-off approach can make them feel unsupported.

   
   

3. Doesn’t Directly Teach Skills

   Some children—especially those with ADHD, autism, or anxiety—may not make the connection between action and consequence without explicit teaching.

   
   

4. Risk of Shaming

   If applied harshly, FAFO can come across as punitive, leaving children feeling humiliated instead of guided.

Evidence-Based Alternatives

Research consistently shows that the most effective parenting style is authoritative parenting, which blends warmth with firm expectations. Unlike FAFO’s sometimes laissez-faire approach, authoritative parenting involves guidance, structure, and empathy, while still allowing natural consequences when appropriate.

Proven Strategies:

• Positive Discipline: Emphasizes respectful communication, natural consequences (when safe), and collaborative problem-solving.

• Emotion Coaching: Teaching children to recognize, label, and regulate emotions, which improves resilience and behavior.

• Consistent Routines & Limits: Children thrive when boundaries are predictable but flexible enough to adapt to development.

• Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS, by Dr. Ross Greene): Focuses on solving problems with children, not for them, improving cooperation and reducing power struggles.

Blending FAFO With Research-Based Parenting

The FAFO method has value when used intentionally and safely. Allowing a child to experience natural consequences (forgetting homework, not packing their lunch, wearing mismatched clothes) can be powerful. But pairing it with authoritative parenting principles—clear rules, emotional support, and teaching moments—ensures that children not only “find out” but also understand why and learn how to do better next time.

Final Thoughts

The “F Around and Find Out” method captures an essential truth: children learn best when they connect actions to consequences. But as with all parenting philosophies, balance is key. Used thoughtfully and paired with warmth, structure, and evidence-based strategies, it can be one tool among many for raising resilient, responsible, and emotionally healthy children.

David Krasky is a licensed school psychologist and author of Raising Future Adults