See Something...Say Something? How to Talk to Friends About Their Children's Possible ADHD, Autism, Learning Disability, or Other Conditions

As a school psychologist, one of the most delicate conversations I witness—or am asked to help with—is how to gently raise concerns with friends or family members about a child’s possible developmental, emotional, or learning differences. Whether it’s ADHD, autism, a learning disability, or another neurodevelopmental condition, approaching this subject requires care, empathy, and a deep respect for the parent-child relationship. Most parents are keenly aware of their children’s behaviors and struggles. But fear, uncertainty, and the social stigma that sometimes surrounds diagnoses can delay important steps toward support. If you're a close friend who has observed a child struggling and you feel compelled to speak up, here are several thoughtful strategies to do so with tact and compassion.

1. Start with Empathy, Not Assumptions

Begin by affirming your respect and love for the child. Avoid diagnosing or labeling. Instead of saying, “I think your child has ADHD,” try something more neutral:

“I’ve noticed that [child’s name] seems to have a really hard time sitting still or staying focused when we’re together. That must be tough for both of you—how have things been going lately?”

Use observations, not interpretations. Share what you've seen without suggesting a cause.

2. Choose the Right Setting and Timing

These conversations should happen in private, when both of you are calm and open—not during a playdate or in the middle of a chaotic moment. Ideally, choose a time when you’re already sharing personal matters or talking openly about parenting.

Respect the fact that even a gentle suggestion may trigger feelings of guilt, grief, or denial. Parents want the best for their children, and anything that sounds like criticism of their child or parenting can feel personal. If you begin to sense defensiveness, back off and remind yourself that they are likely reacting because they are aware that their child may need help and will accept that realization with time. 

3. Use Shared Experience as a Bridge

If your own child has faced similar challenges, it can help to share your journey. This makes the conversation feel less like advice and more like solidarity.

“We were going through something similar with my son, and it turned out he really benefited from working with a speech-language therapist. It made a huge difference once we had the right support.”

This approach lowers defensiveness and shifts the focus from what's "wrong" to what might help.

4. Normalize Seeking Professional Help and the Importance of a Team-Based Approach

Many parents worry that involving a psychologist, pediatrician, or specialist means labeling their child or setting them on a fixed path. You can help reframe that.

“Sometimes a professional can give insight we might not see on our own. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong—it just helps us understand what they need and how to support them better. One thing that helped us was realizing that it takes a team. The teacher noticed some patterns we hadn’t seen at home, and the school psychologist helped pull it all together.”

Present evaluations, consultations and collaboration as a tool, not a judgment.

Final Thoughts: A Loving Act of Courage

Talking to a friend about a child’s potential neurodevelopmental or learning challenges is never easy. But when approached with genuine love, humility, and support, it can be a gift that changes a family’s trajectory.You can also offer practical support, such as recommending books, therapists, or just offering to watch their child so they can attend an evaluation. You’re not trying to diagnose—you’re trying to open a door. And by doing so, you may be helping a child gain access to the support, understanding, and strategies that will allow them to thrive.

Recommended Resources to Share (Gently):

• Understood.org – Practical resources for learning and attention differences

• CHADD.org – Information on ADHD

• Autism Speaks – Information and early signs of autism

• Local school district child study teams or special education services