What is a Grown Up?

The only inevitable thing in life is time. With time comes transitioning from a child to teenager to adult. Through these years children are frequently reminded that they should "grow up" when behaving in a way perceived by their parents or caregivers as immature or childish. So what does that mean? Taken from this example's context, it likely means to act in a way that is mature, rational and measured. Now ask yourself this...how many grown ups do you know that always act like a grown up? Even if they usually do act as a mature, stable adult, there is not way there are not cracks in the structure, especially when triggered by an emotionally provoking event.

Let's go back to defining a grown up and having that eventual goal in mind when raising our children. When looking at grown ups, or adults, as to weather they are economically, socially and independently successful, we should look at those that are deemed as unsuccessful. Oftentimes these adults act more on impulse than thoughtfulness, let emotions always guide their decision making, have difficulty delaying gratification and exhibit poor relationship building. These should be some of the cornerstones of parenting building blocks when making any decisions that have future ramifications. Let's start with a simple one to understand. Delaying gratification. Doing work before playing video games or having dessert before dinner. Even by making children wait a few extra minutes, you are letting them learn how to cope with the discomfort or frustration of waiting thus allowing them to develop coping skills when faced with stress.

Social skills should be also viewed as a skill that can be practiced by having children engage with other children. That has been true since the first children roamed the earth. Have time each day in which your child has to engage with other children (in person, not only online) even if it is for 20 or 30 minutes. If they struggle with any part of this (e.g., initiation, maintaining conversations, etc.), help by giving them 2 or 3 options of what to say or do. You can even go so far as to practice with them either modeling or role-playing specific situations.

When children become dysregulated, emotions are the ones in charge of decision making and problem solving. It is often accompanied with yelling, eye rolling, talking back and sometimes aggression. As the actual adults, we should practice using our regulatory skills and immediately disengage. This will either look like walking away or even going for a drive or walk outside. This will also give them time to deescalate and get back to an emotional capacity in which they can problem solve and communicate effectively.

So next time you use the term "grown up", don't use it as a way to scare your children into changing their behavior. This will often have a counterproductive effect causing them to view adulthood as something to avoid or view with a sense of dread. Remind them that even grown-ups are still just practicing and in many cases, just larger, older adults.